😂😂
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[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.