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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I’m aging like a fine banana
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Nose
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?