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Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?