๐๐
You Might Also Like
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
The horror:
โCome on, I’ll introduce you to everyoneโ.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldnโt finish drinking him
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that โHolds a lot more.โ
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[job interview]
โany public speaking experience?โ
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
โvery impressiveโ
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Home is where the tap water doesnโt taste funny.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Kids just said, โwe made a piรฑata for the catโs birthday!โ and Iโm here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if Iโm shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I hate to say Iโm better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Why arenโt you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring