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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
also my go-to takeaway order
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Hot Panini is in big trouble
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.