馃槀馃槶
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don鈥檛 leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
How about daylight saves us for once
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Can鈥檛, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
馃幎99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-馃幎Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don鈥檛 have one like, sorry our house didn鈥檛 magically turn into a Staples last night.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn鈥檛 say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.