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If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”