😂🤣😂🤣
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“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream