Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

saving face 👀

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting