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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
time machine? you mean a clock?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.