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Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
yall want some gasoline milk
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡