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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Omg 🤣
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”