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“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I have obtained a hat
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight