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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
dead inside
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.