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PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.