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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Sharon, call the vet
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.