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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
sin harder.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.