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Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
is this a threat
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!