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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them