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my kid was complaining sheâs bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to âWho Let the Dogs Outâ was not what I expected.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
anyone else like Italian cereal
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
pantsless bc the day after international womenâs day means women are half off
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: Whatâs the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My son got his license and Iâm terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonaldâs and get me a McFlurry.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I âspent $100 on country concert tickets even though I donât listen to country and didnât buy one bookâ I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesnât stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husbandâs picture. I said, âWhy? Who do you think he is?â And they said, âArenât you Gabe from Top Chef?â and my husband said, âBon Appetit!â and smiled for the picture.
This man canât even make scrambled eggs.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[opening birthday presents]
me: âŠis this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we donât know until you open it!