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Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.