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Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Air pods looking like an angry frog
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬