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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
R.I.P.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”