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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50