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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.