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The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
bad news gang
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street