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Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary