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British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.