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“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Traveler’s camo
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right