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âWish You Were Beer!â
WaitâŚnoâŚthatâs rightâŚsend.
âCan we use a library meeting room?â
âWhat for?â
âJust a meeting.â
âNot a party?â
âNo. Why would you ask that?â
âWell, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.â
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me âhow are you doingâ and he took a deep breath and said ânot great my cat f****ng hates meâ
So itâs my turn and I go âthat was the weirdest thing Iâve heard waiting in line hereâ and the teller says âIâve met his cat. She does hate him.â
What is happening?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Whenever thereâs a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesnât die alone.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
shouting âcorner!â and âbehind!â while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Donât you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
Thereâs no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup canât bring everyone together
Iâm white, but not like âhas a golden retriever named Chanceâ white.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] Itâs his birthday
âFollow your dreams!â â someone born into money
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
In 10 years theyâll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and theyâll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
âStop stealing your sisterâs imaginary hot chocolateâ is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute âtowel animalsâ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
Itâs called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom wonât buy you that âsugaryâ cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they donât criticize you, they do it with you.
âAUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!â â killer wail
My dadâs pet name for my mom is tiger.
Letâs never discuss this again.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about whoâs the best Batman.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then Iâm like âOH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONEâ
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
âIâll still marry youâ
Sorry, Iâm married to the streets now