😂
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Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*