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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
It鈥檚 going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don鈥檛 give a shit about forecasting
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we鈥檙e married now
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Every so often I鈥檒l tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
What?!?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Kids: We鈥檙e bored!
Me: Why don鈥檛 you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
馃槫馃槫
馃ぃ
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Follow me for more recipes
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn鈥檛 what it looks like, okay.
This is the greatest and I won鈥檛 hear otherwise.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My coffee maker broke so I鈥檓 using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.