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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Many hands make light work
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
just give your kids the ipad they鈥檙e the ones who鈥檒l be fighting cyborgs in the future.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren鈥檛 liars like you & me.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
You know you鈥檙e a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.