You Might Also Like
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone鈥檚 affections are genuine.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it鈥檚 important to leave the house sometimes (because it鈥檚 the only way you鈥檒l see a dachshund puppy)
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I don鈥檛 use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
God: you鈥檙e a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I鈥檓 a bird but I can鈥檛 fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN鈥橳.
Kiwi: really what鈥檚 that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Pretty sure I鈥檝e gotten as far as I鈥檓 going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 馃槀馃槱馃敟
I鈥檓 only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Journalists stuck in 1970鈥檚 Belfast absolutely hating it
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I鈥檓 hoping you don鈥檛 realize I made up.