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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.