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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
normalize having existential bread