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People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I’m giving up ice.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
🍂🕷️🍂
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.