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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!