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How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.