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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person