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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Writing, She Murdered.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.