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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Those are good neighbors.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”