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Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I like crazy people until they notice me
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
what it’s like dating me:
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.