😂 amazing answer
You Might Also Like
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.