😂 amazing answer
You Might Also Like
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
drew a comic about my origin story
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”