Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.