Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
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I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell