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Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: whatβs it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: thatβs him
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easyπ
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
how to market bottled water to dads
REMINDER: Itβs almost March.
Donβt forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
A news story said Taylor Swiftβs relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play βape ape humanβ?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsightβ¦
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I canβt stop thinking about this shirt
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, βHey! Remember when we ate that?β
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now Iβm headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography