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๐ซNo Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this โfoodโ and โshelterโ?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
This is always good for a laugh.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say Iโve been vegan so far this weekend
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Letโs start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Parentโs curfew with each child:
1st child: โbe home by 10!โ
2nd child: โalright you can stay out until midnightโ
3rd child: โas long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly donโt care what time youโre homeโIโm not mad ur mad
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Donโt ask me if Iโm flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Yes I delete tweets when they donโt live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I donโt have kids.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, whatโs your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps โLatest Speculative Newsโ or โWe Really Donโt Know Shitโ would work.
CNN call me.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat wonโt stop hissing
vet: maโam this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, donโt look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god Iโm so thirsty