😅🤣😂
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Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Breaking news:
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet