You Might Also Like
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.