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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I鈥檓 playing Jenga
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pok茅mon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
You鈥檙e doing a great job looking at your phone
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I鈥檓 tired of all the gaslighting
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Now that it鈥檚 fall, I鈥檓 considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER