You Might Also Like
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6