Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫