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Someone just threatened to call me later
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
That de-escalated quickly
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the āCEO of Washing Dishesā and got an internship as the āHead of Watching Brown Rice Boilā
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that sheās making figure 8s
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
3 reasons Iām not a hiker:
1. I donāt like sweating.
2. I donāt like getting lost.
3. I donāt like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I didnāt ask to be the ābad boyā of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Most peopleās biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate programā¦and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I canāt make this shit up.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.