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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I just love that new Pope smell.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.