Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

the prophecies have been fulfilled

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.