😆this is so true
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girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.