😆this is so true
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot