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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.