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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
🤣🤣🤣
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
We’ve all been there…
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.