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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
All right then, keep your secrets
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.