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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Am I having a stroke?
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday