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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
my one true gender
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Proctology is located in A55
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
this came to me in a vision
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.