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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.