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-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!