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I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I’m calling the cops.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*skinny dips into black hole