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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: โaww, big stretch!โ
DR.: youโre going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
โThis year sucked, next year will suck too.โ Enough negativity, letโs hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
they should create new variants of dopamine
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I canโt. Iโm busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me itโs โinappropriateโ to kiss strangers.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Iโll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Itโs easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But itโs harder to deter gents.
โWhat if we put wheels on this toilet?โ
*inventor of the RV
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
When Iโm bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me โDo you know where this came from?โ
Best mom ever ๐
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. Whatโs the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
So I go to McDonalds & Iโm ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc Iโm taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, โIโll be here when you need meโ
At least the self-checkout doesnโt ask me what Iโm making for dinner with these items or when Iโm going to call my mother.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Red Skullโs name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: youโre my first customer so forgive me if Iโm slow
Bank robber: youโre doing great buddy
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know youโre dangerous but cโmon, look at you lol
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me Iโll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i donโt know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: thatโs a great idea!