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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human