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Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it