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I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Seek kebab; not attention
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?