😏😏😏
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*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”