😏😏😏
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If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!