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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts