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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
he’s doing your taxes
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I saw nothing
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.