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Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money⌠and lo and behold – it was me
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didnât look at the cards before!
Me: Well Iâm convinced.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: Iâm not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Finally
Ummm
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
uncle dave has been through hell
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying âcaution: wet floorâ instead of wiping it up, parenting is frigginâ ridiculous
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, Iâd be the person who had the garage sale.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MANâS best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and itâs like he doesnât even give a shit.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
5pm me: coffee doesnât even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?