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Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
hand it over!
Voodoo map
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.