馃槣
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Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Tier 3 meme
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I鈥檇 finally see the top of our family鈥檚 weekly laundry pile
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I wasn鈥檛 planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Imagine going to the gym and there鈥檚 someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna鈥檚 funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it鈥檚 not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here鈥檚 a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
No more excuses…
….next year I鈥檓 getting that exorcism.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
my mom: don鈥檛 fill up on bread, that鈥檚 how they get you
me: that鈥檚 how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”