😜
You Might Also Like
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage