😜
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding