😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
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I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I want this so bad
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”